Jolly Old Saint Nick

I love celebrating Christmas. I especially love Christmas music, and usually start listening to it earlier in the year than is socially acceptable. A few years ago, while listening to a version of the classic Christmas song “Jolly Old St. Nicholas”, I actually stopped to pay attention to the lyrics.

It starts off with a kid (or in one version, some chipmunks) imploring Santa to not tell anyone what they say to him, and then immediately tell him that Christmas Eve is fast approaching. Why would Santa be quiet about that? No information imparted to Santa in the song is previously unknown to him, nor something to be kept secret.

So, I decided to write a parody version that made a little more sense, given the line, “Don’t you tell a single soul what I’m going to say.” I tapped into the same creative vein I used while writing the stories in All Beautiful Creatures, and quickly knocked out an admittedly dark version of the song that still made me laugh.

And that was it. I have no real musical abilities, and a passable singing voice (at best). It was just going to be lyrics I’d show to some people, and then post here.

But then I discovered an insanely talented musician named Tom McGovern (website / Twitter / Instagram / SoundCloud). When I saw that he writes and records original and parody jingles, I reached out to him to see if he’d be willing to do something with my lyrics.

In addition to being musically gifted, he is also super generous and accommodating, and he produced and recorded my song. And as you can hear below, he killed it.

Thanks, Tom.

And Merry Christmas everyone!


Jolly old St. Nicholas
Lean your ear this way
Don’t you tell a single soul
What I’m going to say

Just last week I killed a guy
Shot him in the gut
He was just a real dirtbag
But now I’m in a rut

Does this mean on Christmas Eve
You will bring me coal?
That is totally unfair
Who should I cajole?

How about for gifts galore
We make ourselves a pact?
I will snitch on all my friends,
Every naughty act:

Johnny got a girl knocked up
While cheating on his wife
Susie bullied another girl
Until she took her life

Gordon hosts some pit bull fights
Liz: Embezzlement
And don’t forget ol’ Tammy Jo
Who threatened the President

You just name a friend of mine
I’ll tell you what they’ve done
Like when Gary killed that dude
In a drunken hit-and-run

All I did was shoot some jerk
(Who deserved it by the way)
Not like Ted who disowned his son
When he found out he was gay

I know I could change my ways
And find morality
But I would rather point out those
I think are worse than me.

So, how about it, Santa Claus?
Do we have a deal?
You still bring me Christmas gifts
And I’ll rat them out with zeal.